I’ve been pondering
the question of: what advice and/or feedback would be my best offering to a
good friend who is expecting his first baby. I realize that the
common gesture is to share insight to the sunshiny, rainbow filled world that
is parenthood. But after much thought, I’ve determined that the less commonly
shared, “you’re going to lose your mind” -type insights may provide him with
much more realistic expectations of what life will be like after baby.
Though nothing can really prepare a person for parenthood, we veteran
moms and dads like to think we’re assisting first time parents in the process,
by painting for them a heartwarming picture of what lies ahead. We share with
them our most treasured memories and omit the moments that made us want to hide
in the closet. Anything
they read will likely focus more on
the warm brown sugar coated aspects of parenting while excluding the chaotic
and stress-filled confessions of real moms and dads. My conclusion is that a
first time parent really doesn’t get a fair picture of what to expect. Am I right?
Since it
would be traumatizing to offer such "advice", I’ve settled for simply writing down
a short (and not by any means comprehensive) list of the things I think a new
parent should be mentally preparing themselves for. These are circumstances
that I am certain 98% of parents share; yet the details never seem to make the
list of things we discuss with each other. I am sure you can agree that some of the most significant
adjustments we end up having to make in our everyday routines are in the
unspoken details, so shouldn’t we just tell them like it is? If nothing else...maybe
it can at least bring a sense of unity to us parents who are currently screaming
into pillows… living the dream!
But before you read
any further, you should know that I do love being a mother. No happiness in the
world can compare to the joy that comes with having a child. Motherhood brings
meaning to my life. But we’d all be lying if we claimed to never experience the
mentally exhausting and overwhelming madness that comes with the package as
well.
And if I’m the only
one riding this train, well…just do your best not to judge. :)
Privacy, Personal
Space & Good Hygiene will be but a Distant Memory
If you’re the kind of person who: dislikes being touched,
enjoys being clean/sanitary,
and considers using the restroom to be a solo
mission...
saying good-bye to that person now will save yourself the headache later.
·
Every inch of your body will be examined, poked
and prodded. Not just on occasion but nearly every minute of the day, indefinitely.
Pinching, pulling and biting are a few more perks to look forward to as well.
·
You will daily come in contact with bodily
fluids you never wanted close to your own skin. It sounds horrifying now but
you’ll be surprised how fast the gag reflex dissipates. You may even find yourself willingly
taking the snotty mess your toddler offers you on the end of his finger and
disposing of it without even cringing. Just try not to become so oblivious that
you show up for work with mystery goo on your shirt (more than once).
Trust me
when I say it happens!
·
Bathing is no longer a relaxing moment to
yourself. To avoid leaving the tot(s) unsupervised for too long, your shower
time has been reduced to just a quick rinse. There’s no time to waste finding a
decent temperature, so you suffer through one of two settings: mind numbing
freeze or skin melting lava. And you’ll probably spend half the time with your
head outside the curtain to assure (and RE-assure) yourself that you don’t
actually hear an emergency taking place in the next room.
Spontaneity Is The
Enemy
Last minute trips, outings or plans of any kind are no
longer an option.
If you’re thinking that you could possibly be an exception to
this rule, go ahead and test your skills.
It only takes one horrifying, public
disaster to learn that the days of “get up and go” are gone. What used to be a
simple trip to the supermarket is now an entire afternoon endeavor.
To leave
the house for any reason requires strategic planning.
·
Your success rests mainly on understanding
that you should NEVER go out during naptime. Everything you do will need
to be planned around those precious hour(s) of the little one’s daytime sleep routine.
·
Ditch the purse and get a backpack. You’ll need at
least two extra outfits per baby and more diapers than you know what to do with.
After you clean up the first diaper explosion in the bathroom at Target, never
assume you’re in the clear. Chances are high that there will be another blowout
in the car on the way home.
·
Save room in that oversized tote for enough
snacks to sustain the life of a small animal through the winter. You’ll need them
to offer the little one in exchange for good behavior. Then you’ll need some
for yourself to shamefully attempt to eat away the guilt you feel for resorting
to bribery of a child.
Learn to Overlook the Mess
What once may have been a clean, organized and stylish
dwelling will now be littered with toys, more toys and a variety of other
random children’s items.
Let go of your neat freak tendencies if you have them.
Everyone will be much happier at the end of the day.
·
There is no space exempt from bearing evidence
of a child’s presence. This includes the walls, which will likely be marked
with the little sweetie’s “special” drawings at least once.
·
No matter how hard you try to enforce the “no
food in the living room” rule, your carpet will have stains. Do yourself a
favor and refrain from purchasing any decent furniture until after the
child(ren) reach at least 10 years old. And by then, you’ll be lucky if your sofa
doesn’t look like it was just hauled out of a frat house last week.
·
You will drown in hot wheel cars and find
headbands in the cat box. Whatever the clutter might be, prepare to clean and
re-organize it all at least 27 times a day.
·
IMPORTANT NOTE: a child has a ridiculously sharp
memory for toys/random “junk” from long ago, which has now “disappeared” and
suddenly it’s their favorite item of all time. Brace yourself for the meltdown.
Try your Best to Remember
the Sound of Silence (and use it as your happy place)
Once you have a child, there is not a single moment in which
you are not a parent.
Every minute with them is spent catering to their needs
over your own.
And every minute spent away is consumed with thoughts of them,
hoping that they have everything they need.
·
The role of parent carries with it approximately
48 different job titles.
Here’s a few roles I play on the daily:
housekeeper
hairdresser
fashion stylist
personal chef
cheerleader
taxi driver
coach
councilor
advocate
tutor
nurse
personal care attendant
waiter
event
planner
referee
and walking Kleenex.
But hey… on the bright side: my resume
has grown to be quite impressive with the addition of all the experience I’ve
gained in multiple career fields.
Repeat the above cycle for the remainder of your
life.
Welcome to it!
:) ENJOY!!
