Ramblings of Grief from a Broken Heart

I buried my big brother yesterday.
We actually placed him in a box and put him in the ground.
My tone is not intended to be insensitive there.
I am just still in a state of complete disbelief that any of this has happened.
And it's simply the cold hard truth of my reality. 

It's the kind of thing you hear on the news
that only happens to someone else.
You say "oh how terribly sad for them".
And you cannot imagine what they're going through.

But right now...

I AM the news.
This is MY family. 
And I still feel like I'm watching myself
experience this from the outside looking in.

Exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions this week.

Josh was murdered.
Shock

My brother is dead.
Sorrow

Someone took his life.
Anger

He's never coming back. 
Pain

I've never arranged a funeral before.
It's not something that anyone can be prepared for.
There are so many little details
But none of them are small.

What would he want?
Which casket would he choose?
What would he want to wear?
What do I say at the funeral?

With each task and every decision
I just wanted to get it right.

Through the generosity of friends, family and even strangers
we were able to provide Josh with a service
I was proud to offer him.
Honest and true to who he was.

But it doesn't end here.
Closure cannot be found in a case like this.
At least not until the man who took Josh's life is sentenced.
This is a murder investigation. 

This process takes time.
The pain of losing him is made fresh again
with every news article printed
and with every conversation I have with officials working on the case.

I love my husband and my children.
But it's been hard to be back at home.
I desperately want to be back to doing our same old routines. 
But something feels different inside.

Every minute of my day is consumed with Josh.
Even as I half-heartedly play with my children,
I am fighting back tears.
Obsessing over all the unanswered questions about that night.

I can't get it out of my head. 

If I continue to just live my life as I did before...
I have to accept that he's really gone.
And this is where I struggle.
 
I can't just let it go. 
I don't want to forget.
I am terrified of moving on.

A JOYFUL NOISE INDEED

There is a Christian Music Festival taking place this weekend called "Joyful Noise Family Fest", which features artists Willow and I always listen to. She knows all the words to these songs and it’s so cool to hear her singing worship music on a daily basis. She heard the festival advertised and begged to go. Tickets were something I could not fit in my budget though so we were both saddened by that.

Our local Christian radio station was giving away tickets. You had to hear the song of the day and be the first caller. I listened all day, everyday to try and win. Seriously, I was a freak about it...running to and from the car so I wouldn’t miss the chance.  Willow and I both prayed and prayed that we would get tickets to go. I tried to teach her that by faith, God would give us the desires of our heart. We just had to believe that the tickets would come to us. I spoke the words of my expectation and pleaded with God. These tickets would come to us somehow!

We ended up not winning. :( She was so disappointed and so was I. I had really wanted to use this opportunity to show her that God heard her prayers and have it really boost her own faith in Him. Even though there were no more giveaways and the tickets had SOLD OUT, I did not fully give up hope. I kept searching craigslist, hoping that someone would be selling some at a discount etc….

So the concert is THIS Saturday and as of Wednesday, I still did not have tickets. I showed up to work that morning and got an email from a co-worker. This is someone I have never talked with about God...never had a conversation with Him about the concert or my search for tickets. He randomly wrote to let me know that his family had tickets for Saturday that they were unable to use and offered them to me for FREE!!

I am literally BURSTING with joy!! So excited to tell Willow and have her see that God DID hear her heart and used a “stranger” to bless us with the opportunity to go to this amazing, spirit filled event!!! GOD IS SO COOL and HE DOES HEAR US!!! Stay connected to Him and KEEP YOUR FAITH!! He works in ways that we can never imagine! BELIEVE IT!!

Parenthood: The Unspoken Details

I’ve been pondering the question of: what advice and/or feedback would be my best offering to a good friend who is expecting his first baby. I realize that the common gesture is to share insight to the sunshiny, rainbow filled world that is parenthood. But after much thought, I’ve determined that the less commonly shared, “you’re going to lose your mind” -type insights may provide him with much more realistic expectations of what life will be like after baby.

Though nothing can really prepare a person for parenthood, we veteran moms and dads like to think we’re assisting first time parents in the process, by painting for them a heartwarming picture of what lies ahead. We share with them our most treasured memories and omit the moments that made us want to hide in the closet. Anything they read will likely focus more on the warm brown sugar coated aspects of parenting while excluding the chaotic and stress-filled confessions of real moms and dads. My conclusion is that a first time parent really doesn’t get a fair picture of what to expect. Am I right?

Since it would be traumatizing to offer such "advice", I’ve settled for simply writing down a short (and not by any means comprehensive) list of the things I think a new parent should be mentally preparing themselves for. These are circumstances that I am certain 98% of parents share; yet the details never seem to make the list of things we discuss with each other. I am sure you can agree that some of the most significant adjustments we end up having to make in our everyday routines are in the unspoken details, so shouldn’t we just tell them like it is? If nothing else...maybe it can at least bring a sense of unity to us parents who are currently screaming into pillows… living the dream!

But before you read any further, you should know that I do love being a mother. No happiness in the world can compare to the joy that comes with having a child. Motherhood brings meaning to my life. But we’d all be lying if we claimed to never experience the mentally exhausting and overwhelming madness that comes with the package as well.

And if I’m the only one riding this train, well…just do your best not to judge. :) 

Privacy, Personal Space & Good Hygiene will be but a Distant Memory  

If you’re the kind of person who: dislikes being touched,

 enjoys being clean/sanitary,

and considers using the restroom to be a solo mission...

saying good-bye to that person now will save yourself the headache later.

·      Every inch of your body will be examined, poked and prodded. Not just on occasion but nearly every minute of the day, indefinitely. Pinching, pulling and biting are a few more perks to look forward to as well.  

·      You will daily come in contact with bodily fluids you never wanted close to your own skin. It sounds horrifying now but you’ll be surprised how fast the gag reflex dissipates. You may even find yourself willingly taking the snotty mess your toddler offers you on the end of his finger and disposing of it without even cringing. Just try not to become so oblivious that you show up for work with mystery goo on your shirt (more than once). 

Trust me when I say it happens!

·      Bathing is no longer a relaxing moment to yourself. To avoid leaving the tot(s) unsupervised for too long, your shower time has been reduced to just a quick rinse. There’s no time to waste finding a decent temperature, so you suffer through one of two settings: mind numbing freeze or skin melting lava. And you’ll probably spend half the time with your head outside the curtain to assure (and RE-assure) yourself that you don’t actually hear an emergency taking place in the next room.

Spontaneity Is The Enemy

Last minute trips, outings or plans of any kind are no longer an option. 

If you’re thinking that you could possibly be an exception to this rule, go ahead and test your skills. 

It only takes one horrifying, public disaster to learn that the days of “get up and go” are gone. What used to be a simple trip to the supermarket is now an entire afternoon endeavor. 

To leave the house for any reason requires strategic planning. 

·      Your success rests mainly on understanding that you should NEVER go out during naptime. Everything you do will need to be planned around those precious hour(s) of the little one’s daytime sleep routine.

·      Ditch the purse and get a backpack. You’ll need at least two extra outfits per baby and more diapers than you know what to do with. After you clean up the first diaper explosion in the bathroom at Target, never assume you’re in the clear. Chances are high that there will be another blowout in the car on the way home.

·      Save room in that oversized tote for enough snacks to sustain the life of a small animal through the winter. You’ll need them to offer the little one in exchange for good behavior. Then you’ll need some for yourself to shamefully attempt to eat away the guilt you feel for resorting to bribery of a child. 

Learn to Overlook the Mess

What once may have been a clean, organized and stylish dwelling will now be littered with toys, more toys and a variety of other random children’s items. 

Let go of your neat freak tendencies if you have them. 

Everyone will be much happier at the end of the day.   

·      There is no space exempt from bearing evidence of a child’s presence. This includes the walls, which will likely be marked with the little sweetie’s “special” drawings at least once.

·      No matter how hard you try to enforce the “no food in the living room” rule, your carpet will have stains. Do yourself a favor and refrain from purchasing any decent furniture until after the child(ren) reach at least 10 years old. And by then, you’ll be lucky if your sofa doesn’t look like it was just hauled out of a frat house last week.

·      You will drown in hot wheel cars and find headbands in the cat box. Whatever the clutter might be, prepare to clean and re-organize it all at least 27 times a day.

·      IMPORTANT NOTE: a child has a ridiculously sharp memory for toys/random “junk” from long ago, which has now “disappeared” and suddenly it’s their favorite item of all time. Brace yourself for the meltdown.

Try your Best to Remember the Sound of Silence (and use it as your happy place)

Once you have a child, there is not a single moment in which you are not a parent. 

Every minute with them is spent catering to their needs over your own. 

And every minute spent away is consumed with thoughts of them, 

hoping that they have everything they need. 

·      The role of parent carries with it approximately 48 different job titles. 

Here’s a few roles I play on the daily: 

housekeeper

hairdresser

fashion stylist

personal chef

cheerleader

taxi driver

coach

councilor

advocate

tutor

nurse

personal care attendant

waiter

event planner

referee 

and walking Kleenex. 

But hey… on the bright side: my resume has grown to be quite impressive with the addition of all the experience I’ve gained in multiple career fields.

Repeat the above cycle for the remainder of your life. 

Welcome to it!

:) ENJOY!!

These Are My Skeletons

As we grow and stumble upon self discovery, we tend to do one of two things; either we search our past for answers to the why and how we became the person we are today or we avoid looking back at all costs. However, there is a shared, natural desire to try and find meaning in the painful periods of our lives. As I started my own reflections of the past, I began finding larger scale "lessons" in both big and small events that ran through my memory. Each little note below is personal to me and filled with confessions...some never spoken before. I share because we're all only human and can often times be encouraged when allowed a glimpse into another person's heart...even when some of it is not so pretty. 

Your ability to grow as an individual is inhibited when you change yourself to fit in. 

 It might bring momentary approval from the crowd... but the trade could be losing yourself in the process.

Contrary to what we all once thought, there is life beyond 6th-12th grade. The girl making fun of your pants at recess will not be a part of your life forever. Her opinion does not matter. The boy that makes jokes about your weight will end up growing into a pretty unattractive person himself. Don't take his words to heart. The fact is, most of the people we meet throughout life are merely passing through. The human desire to fit in and be accepted can be overwhelming, yes...but the sooner you recognize that there is BEAUTY in individuality, the better off you'll be. Learn to embrace the things that make you different from your peers. You cannot flourish as the greatest you until you start actually being... YOU.

Wearing a mask to become a replica of someone else or just blindly following the crowd 

is a tragic, premature assassination of the person you could have become. 

Dare to let that person live.   


 

Believing that you are defined by a broken home, a sick parent, drug abuse, poverty or any other unfortunate circumstance... is a trap. Falling for the lie will bind you in chains.

 It is difficult to grow up and struggle with each new stage of brain development, becoming more aware of what "normal" really is and having to re-process the dysfunction that you may have been subjected to as a child. These things cycle in families so it's not always easy breaking out... but it is possible. You can take your life wherever you want it to go, no matter where you've come from.  Learn to use your pain as determination to be a better person. You have to accept that mothers and fathers are just people too. And people make mistakes. Parents make mistakes. If your parent(s) was not the most responsible/attentive parent in the world or maybe someone hurt you... forgive them.   

There is freedom in forgiveness. 

 Bitterness and resentment only hurts the heart that's holding it in.

You have to make a choice to let it go.

Riding a bike with no hands is all fun and games... until you become more concerned with impressing the friends riding beside you than you are with what lies ahead.

Looking to see if others are entertained with what you're doing may cause you to realize (too late) that you're heading straight for a parked car. In a terrified attempt to avoid a crash, you might jerk the handlebars too quickly to the left and skid on some sand. This could result in a much unwanted rendezvous between your skin and the pavement. You might even bend your ankle in such a way that you fracture the growth plate and have to sport a super trendy walking boot to Jr. High for the next eight weeks.

Never let your search for approval cause you to take your eyes off the road.

At the end of the day, nobody but yourself can save you from crashing.

Not taking the time to really know your grandparents could prove to be perhaps one of your life's greatest regrets.

Recognize that grandparents are a precious gift and allow yourself time to cherish them while you still can. Ask them questions about what their lives were like when they were young. Find out where they came from and what dreams they might have had. Discover their history...and their wisdom. Go and play scrabble with your grandmother each and every time she asks. The excuses you made as a foolish teenager will weigh heavily on your heart when she's gone. Have her teach you how to make proper lefse. Ask her where/when/why your family traditions started. Never take advantage of a selflessly giving grandfather. And don't ever doubt the power that his faithful prayers for you can have.

Don't get so wrapped up in your own world that you end up missing the chance to honor those who came before you.

Compromising your morals to be accepted by others is a much too slippery slope. You're wasting time in the darkness when you could be the light.

If what the other kids are doing feels wrong in your core...it probably is. Avoid social situations where you know the activities will have you going against what you believe in. Telling yourself that you'll just go to be social but not participate is a lie. I'm telling you now that you will have zero fun if you soberly watch a bunch of lunatics roll down a huge mountain of iron ore while another group around the fire is pouring splashes of their beer out as a tribute to the dead fox on a stick that some drunk kid found in the woods. Do yourself a favor...just don't go. In years to come, I promise that you will feel better about yourself having been that weird girl who never partied. You won't feel good about being the girl who went to all the keggers, got hammered and was the one leading those lunatics up the iron ore mountain...but then went to church every Sunday and youth group every Wednesday and played the part of big. huge. hypocrite. Be diligent in following your heart.

Their acceptance does not end the internal tug of war between your physical self and your spirit.

It's not worth suffering while you secretly hate everything about the person you're becoming.

The prize of temporary acceptance is nothing compared to the reward of being able to look back to the past and be proud of who you were.  

Never take for granted the luxury of shutting the door to use a toilet in private. 

Detention center bathroom stalls do not have doors. You will shower, use the toilet, dress and undress, eat and sleep under the watchful eyes of staff and peers at all times. In addition to the horror of those experiences, you must also learn to: 

count your number in line every time you pass under a doorway, 

witness at least a couple suicide attempts, 

never laugh in front of "the window", 

eat instant eggs made from powder for breakfast (yes, these exist. and they're green)...

all while proudly wearing orange jumpsuits and velcro shoes. 

If you fail, you may be stuck scrubbing the unspeakable with a toothbrush during early morning work crew as punishment. Or worse yet, have your stay extended for as long as it takes for you to get enough points to climb the ladder to freedom.

Avoid behavior that will land you in a place like this. 

Enough said. 



Do not be fooled into thinking that are immune, exempt or somehow not going to be effected by the consistent use of hard drugs.

Adopting the whole "never going to happen to me" attitude is a dangerous gamble. Drugs are extremely addictive, no matter who you are. You might try the "only this once" bit but...

 before you know it you'll be hiding out for a week straight in someone's basement with the lights off and everything in the house unplugged from the outlets. Or even more disturbing, maybe living out of a car in the woods and shaving your legs in the lake at 3 AM. All the while, you're hallucinating that little children are playing in garbage cans in the street and giraffes are hanging from the trees. Next, your ditching true friends who care about you for the ones who allow you to use. You will make them cry and beg you to stop. But you can't. You don't even want to. Then the next thing you know you're being kicked out of one of your best friend's graduation party because everyone knows you're off your head and you're eyes are freaking people out. And then you're alone. 

You will lie to and steal from people you love. Drugs will change you. It can happen to you. Period. 

Run far far away... 

before you're so lost that you cannot find your way back. 


   

Do not be too proud to receive help when you need it. 

You could be missing a Heavenly inspired, divine appointment. 

Humbly accept genuinely kind people's offers to help you through (or even out of) a difficult period in your life. God works through people. The person might simply be someone to talk to when you feel like nobody else is listening. It might be someone working in a job office who helps you see the potential in yourself when you feel like everyone else has given up on you. It might be someone who opens their home to you when your life is a nightmare and you have nowhere else to go. And if you really seek Him, it could be something as smack in the face obvious as a stranger in a car repair shop telling you that there is no charge for fixing your tire today because he feels like 

"God is telling him to do it for free".

Learn to recognize when He has sent someone to you.

Believe in Angels on earth. 

Revelations of a Greater Purpose

When I applied for my current job, I knew I was reaching pretty high.

Too high. 
I was still in college and had no degree.
I had only small scale experience compared to what they were looking for.
But I had just become a teenage mother the year before.
I knew I needed to be doing something bigger.
So I was shooting for the stars....
And I actually caught one.

The first day at my new job was on my twentieth birthday.
I was in over my head.
Regret filled my heart as I started to realize what my responsibilities were.
Why did I set myself up for failure?
This work is so far beyond my ability.
How and why did I even get this job?

Six years have now passed.
And according to the director, I have "outgrown my position".
"You have mad skills and need to be in a leadership role", she says.
"You belong next to a CEO, running administrative operations of a company".

Wow. Awesome.

"Unfortunately, the role you're in is one where you need to suppress the "boss" in you ".
Then came a discussion about needing to make sure I do not cross professional boundaries.
There are others who are threatened by my "unofficial" leadership. 
Bummer. Not so awesome. 

My work week has always been divided between two buildings.
At one location, I am respected.
My opinion is valued and others seek my advice.
They give me room to be an "unofficial" leader.
They've given me room to grow.

In the other location, I am pushed down and oppressed.
Eye rolling.
Rude comments.
Public attempts to "put me in my place".
They complain, criticize and correct every move I make.

I was recently told I would be losing one building due to an increasing work load.
Hope filled my heart with the possibility of leaving such a negative place.
But when my placement was revealed...
I was told I would be remaining in the location that needed my skills the most.
A place where I could "prove myself" to those who doubted me.
But also the place where I am cut down and mistreated.

Grief. 

Sadness.

Anger.

I've been spending a lot of time with God.
Trying to understand why this would be the best place for me.
How could I possibly grow in this environment?

I was led to Matthew 5: 3-11.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted. 

 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth. 

 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven".

 

 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven".

This did bring some comfort...

Though it was little. 

I still was frustrated.

Why am I being left in the one place where I am suffering?

So my prayers continued.

Why, God? I still do not understand.

And then He said to me,

"They will see Me through you".

Suddenly I realized that this is not about me at all.

It is about Him. 

Until this point, I thought there was some kind of lesson I was supposed to be learning here. 

But He showed me that it is they who need to learn something.

And He is using me to teach them. 

 
It hit me that God was answering another prayer of mine through these circumstances.

Every day I ask Him to use me. 

"I want to be Your hands and feet, Jesus". 

"Lead me into situations where I can show others who You are".

"Lead me to others who need You".

"Make me a light".

 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven". - Matthew 5: 14-16

I realized that THIS is the how 

and THIS is the why

I ever obtained a position that was so above my qualifications six years ago.

This was His plan all along.

This is the situation I asked for. 

These are the people I asked Him to lead me to.

I have come to accept that this is a Heavenly mission.

I will hold my head high.

Let go of the bitterness. 

Smile. 

Be kind.

Forgive their wicked intentions. 

I will not fight back. 

And when they see that I am not fighting fire with fire

And not responding with the natural urge we all feel to give blows back to our aggressors...

They will see that there is something about me that is... different. 

Something that is not typical human nature. 

They will see Jesus.

"Then Jesus said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me".  - Matthew 16: 24 

I've decided that if He is going to lead me through this valley

to show others who He is...

then I will deny myself,

take up my cross,

and follow Him. 

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” - Deuteronomy 31:6

Beautiful Chaos

After receiving a letter from the school over concern with our daughter's number of tardies 

(for the first grade)! ...

I was inspired to offer them a teeny tiny  peek into our world

to help them get an understanding for what it really takes

to get her there even at all!

Some mornings are  s
                                        m
                                             o
                                                 o
                                                       t
                                                             h
sailing.

SCORE!

And...some days are complete

 chaos!

Only ONE parent is home.

That unfortunate duck is 

solo...
            alone...
                          with no help.

After breakfast is finally on the table...

Someone spills milk all over the floor 

and then thinks it's funny to 

splash in it. 

You clean the mess,

clean the child,

and clean the cat...

who was sitting under the table 

at the time of the spill.

After you've cleaned all children (and felines) ...

 You attempt to dress them.

 The little one kicks you in the face 

7 times 

before it's over.

The fashionista changes outfits 

4 times 

before she's satisfied. 

After their bodies are clothed and your body is bruised...

 The two year old refuses to brush his teeth.

We're talking iron jaw here.

You chase him around the house with a toothbrush 

 until he trips and hits his head 

on the coffee table.

You both sit in a puddle of tears 

for as long as it takes.

After you've both stopped crying...

 You actually make an attempt to get yourself clothed.

Are you insane? 

Yes, you are...

So you make the attempt.

Before the second calf makes it through a pant leg,

you hear screaming from the other room.

You trip over the pants,

stub your toe

and literally crawl down the rest of the hallway

to find out who is bleeding.

After you've discovered the reason behind the screams is not blood...

but instead it's one of your children

 smearing jelly 

onto the head of your other child. 

Hey...it's better than blood. Great!

Though some days are not quite that extreme.

 Sometimes, the shrieks are simply from excitement   

as the little guy tries to use 

the kitten 

as a race car.

 After tackling all obstacles and you're doing a happy dance on the way to the car...

the tiny tot decides its time to soil his diaper.

It's not number one...and it's not pretty.

You go back inside

 to suffer more blows 

from foot to face,

as you fight to clean and change him

yet again

for the third time

and it's not even 10:00 A.M.

 It is chaos, yes....but it is ours. 

It is our very own beautiful chaos. 

I closed the letter promising to do everything I can to take some time before I drift into

sweet, sweet slumber...

to prepare the things my family needs for the morning time

in an effort to make things more efficient for their departure to school

on time.

This should help some.

But as for the milk spilling, jelly smearing, kitten driving kind of mornings....

Well... now there is just really not much that can be done about those days.

Why a Blog, You Ask?

I do not fall in the category of people who blog to keep record of certain memories.

 I simply have a nagging,

overwhelming,

"gotta get this out"

urge

to write...
                to speak out...
                                       to be heard...
         
                                                           To be someone with a voice.

I'm not really sure what it is exactly that
   
                                                                    I want to write.
or what it is exactly that
                                                                    I want to speak.

Most research I've done on expanding creative writing skills recommends a blog to begin playing around. Tons of publishers want a link to your blog when submitting work to be reviewed. So by using this forum as a scratchpad of sorts, I just might be able to sort through all the ideas in my brain AND create a page I can one day be proud to send in!

So here I am.

It would be awesome to have an audience.

But the real value in this

for me

is to play around with different writing styles... 

maybe develop my own.        
                                                                                                 
To be inspired...

to accomplish

a dream.

To maybe one day author something that is

                                                                                 BIG...
                                                                              
                                                                               BOLD...
                                                                               
                                                                        & BEAUTIFUL!