Dear Josh

It's not fair that you're not here to say Happy Birthday to. 

You are still on my mind nearly every minute of each day. 
And I wish I could say that all my thoughts are of the happy memories I have.
But they are not. And I don't know how to change that. 
Sometimes you used to tell me that you felt like an outsider in the family. 
You'd call me when you were feeling low - looking for some validation. 
I'd say things like "of course you are part of this family" and "we all love you".
Looking back, those words just seem so superficial now. 
I should have offered you so much more in those moments - and I'm sorry. 
At the time, I didn't know what more I could say to convince you.
I didn't know these were my last opportunities to share my heart with you. 
I never imagined that you'd be gone someday soon. 
Or that suddenly there'd be so much left unspoken. 
You've always been and will forever be my family. 
You became my brother when I was only four years old. 
Because we were so little - I don't even remember life before you.
And it hurts to know the rest of it has to be lived without you.   
Every day, I think about the million things I should have told you.
I would tell you that what makes us family is in the memories we share. 

Like how you used to trick me into playing 52 card pick up -
And actually made me believe it was a real game?
Or the nights we camped out in the living room with movies from Little Hollywood -
And you usually got to pick the rental "because you're older". 
As if that made you the boss. 
I remember the food fights at dinner and building snowmen together in the front yard. 
I remember dressing up for Halloween and being super grossed out by your pet rat. 
I remember sunny days out on Dad's boat and that time we were ice fishing and you fell through!
I think about that still, every single time I'm on frozen water. 
It terrifies me to this day. Thank you very much! 
Then there was that brief phase when you were too cool to hang out with me.  
You didn't want to build forts up in your room anymore.
And you thought it was so lame that I was in love with the Backstreet Boys. 
But it's all good because that didn't last for too long.  
And as adults, you wanted to be closer than I ever allowed us to be. 
I'll forever be sorry for that.
Eventually you let me go for rides in your car and "cruise the strip".
And I'll never forget how ridiculously cool I felt in those moments. 
The first time I ever heard rap music was with you - I believe it was Bone Thugs-N-Harmony? 
I still remember being fascinated that you had any idea what those guys were saying.
But you rapped right along with them - never missing a beat.
And you officially became the coolest guy I knew. 
Actually...thanks to YOU, I can still "rap" every word to Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise"! 
Seriously, you'd be impressed!

I should have shared my recollection of those years with you so you'd have known how special those memories are to me.... So you would know how special YOU were to me. 
You loved us hard until the end, brother. And I am reminded of that in so many little things that pop up in my head (or in my facebook feed). I hope you are resting, knowing how loved you were too. 

I miss you. And love you more than you knew. 

Until we meet again...

Sleep in peace, sweet brother. 

It's not fair that you're not here to say Happy Birthday to. 

Victim Impact Statement

I don't know if anyone in here has ever had the unfortunate experience of needing to prepare a victim impact statement...but I hope for your sake that you have not. They actually have an outline for these things; an essay style questionnaire for the victim to fill out.

1. How have you been affected by this crime?

2. Were you physically injured?

3. What thoughts or suggestions do you have regarding punishment?

4. Do you have any additional comments?

That's it.

Four little but loaded questions, intended to assist you in finding the words to say....only they don't actually help any words come at all. There simply are none that can accurately express the weight of this crime. The impact is an indescribable, overwhelming, breath stealing, all consuming sense of emptiness. And it is much too big to fit into a one page outline.

Yes, my family and I have been greatly impacted by Josh's death. He was my big brother. We grew up in this world together. From innocent youth (when we'd throw heaping spoonfuls of corn in each other's faces at the dining room table or hide out under blanket forts with a flashlight so we could play cards until it was well past our bedtime) - To rebellious young adults (when we'd cruse around in his car way past curfew, made a variety of poor choices and found various other ways to break the rules). We learned and discovered, stumbled and fell, laughed until our cheeks hurt, made fun of each other's taste in music and we transitioned into adults....together. Brother and Sister.

Since he was killed, I personally struggle with bouts of suffocating guilt. Sometimes it's simply about the time I let pass by since we grew up. Time that I should have made for him but didn't. Messages he sent to me, to which I never replied. 3 AM phone calls that I chose to silence because of the hour. There are days when I feel too sick to eat because I'm reminded that he cannot. And sometimes it's just guilt that I am simply living...while he's been robbed of the chance. It is a rain cloud that looms even on the sunniest of days.

But how this crime has affected me is not what I feel is important to share here today. The one and only true victim here is Joshua Lyle Neumann. We want everyone here to know that he is more than just another victim of reckless behavior ending in tragedy.

Those who were lucky enough to be close to Josh know that he struggled though some very hard years. He lived with great regret over a past he wanted so much to erase. But he also had very thick skin, a stubborn hard headedness and an intense desire to succeed. He never gave up trying to better himself and he continued fighting for all the things he wanted to achieve. Family meant the world to him and he often talked about how he just wanted us to be proud of him. In more recent times, he really was doing better than ever. I wish so much that we could have had more time...to tell him more often and make sure he knew that we were proud of him. The pain that comes with realizing that we'll never have the chance is nearly unbearable.

Aside from losing him, the part that has been even harder to accept, is the manner in which his life was violently ended. We're here today because the careless actions of one man ended the life of another. Whether his death was caused with or without intent does not change the end result... it still remains the same. Josh is gone. He died alone, probably scared and undoubtedly in pain. No thing can be done and no punishment can erase that. Josh was a dearly loved son, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin and friend. Everything that Josh could have been... he will never get to be.

The last few things I want to say are my own personal feelings and probably not shared by my family or Josh's friends. -- An event like this naturally rouses feelings of anger and hate. However, I strive to live my life as a reflection of my savior Jesus Christ, who is forgiving even in the most horrible circumstances. I pray daily for peace about Josh's death and for the ability to forgive the person responsible. I know that one day, I will. I also pray for the family of the defendant, because they must be deeply hurting as well. And even though it's not easy, I pray for Mr. Peralez...that he not live his life being tormented in darkness... but that he might be rescued and set free by our Redeemer. I want him to be able to hear me say that I do not hate him. I am devastated by his actions and I will never be the same... but Josh was very quick to forgive others. And I know that he would not want my life stolen away by bitterness.

Thank you.

Accepting the Unacceptable

I was attending my son's pre-school graduation when I got the call.

"He's pleading guilty"

A sickening kind of relief poured over me.

"But the murder charges have been reduced to manslaughter"....

"He's pleading guilty to the lesser charge"....

"The maximum penalty is 10 years"...

My relief was replaced by shock and I froze in disbelief.

Excited toddlers and their proud parents filled the room as they enjoyed graduation day festivities.
I was in the corner fighting back tears as I tried to comprehend what I was hearing.

This decision is not something we were expecting.
It is not something we were consulted about.
So to those who have asked if Josh's family was part of making this deal,
The answer is no.

People ask how I feel about the decision...
And I am left without words every time.
I've still not settled on how to feel exactly,
I think, because I am overwhelmed with too many feelings.

Having the opportunity to go to trial abruptly taken away leaves me feeling a little lost.
I certainly was not looking forward to going, but at the same time... I was.
My reasons for that are hard to explain; I don't expect anyone to understand.
And that makes me feel alone.

I feel like I should be really, really mad.
And I do have those moments...
But I am not angry.
And that makes me feel guilty.

I've been asked many times what I would have rather seen happen.
But I truly have no thoughts to give.
I feel like I should have a passionate response.
And I'm afraid I appear indifferent to it all, though I am not.

Mostly, I just feel empty.
And I can't determine where that is coming from.
So that leaves me feeling confused.

I've said from the beginning that I just wanted someone to claim responsibility.
A guilty plea is what I thought I wanted.
But this was a murder.
And I do feel some injustice with the charges being reduced.

But if this had ended in a guilty of murder charge,
with a life sentence attached...
Would I even feel any "better" about it?
I'm not convinced that I would.

Because of my faith, I see this man a little differently than most.
I do not wish horrible things for him.
My Father in Heaven loves him.
So I ask for His eyes to see what He sees.

I am grateful that He made me with a heart that can forgive.

My brother is gone.
Nothing can be done to change that.
So there is no "win" to be had here.

All I can do is pray for the person who is responsible.
And for my own ability to accept the unacceptable.

More Questions Than Answers

For a while, I struggled with whether or not I wanted to attend the court hearing(s) for my brother's murder case. Of course it's not something anyone wants to do. But I found myself feeling like I needed to.

Could I remain composed while sitting in the same room with the man who violently took my own brother's life?

Probably not. 

But I wanted to be sure that Josh was represented in that room. 

He was not just another victim.
He was a real person.

Someone needed to be the face of what was stolen.

A vibrant life.

Would I be able to stomach the gruesome and unimaginable details of his death?

Definitely not.

But the unanswered questions I had about that night were haunting me.
I had an indescribable need to know what happened to him.
Desperate for some closure.
To know how he was hurt.
How he died.

We heard the defendant's story of what happened that night,

shared though testimony of one of the responding officers. 

Silent and cowardly witnesses claim a different set of circumstance. 

We will likely never know the truth. 

The defense attempted to rip apart Josh's character,

claiming he was the aggressor in the altercation. 

As if that was reason enough to justify the suffering he endured.

Even if it were true, there was simply no purpose for his brutal murder. 

The gut wrenching details of Josh's specific injuries were calmly spoken. 

There was no emotion from the court as each wound was described.

But we sat in agony, hearing of them for the first time...

and as we listened, we felt the pain. 

The man accused has pled not guilty. 

They've filed to suppress his self-incriminating statements.

There will be one more hearing where the plea can be changed 

and that will determine if we go to trial. 

Frequent updates come to me from our victim's advocate. 

I am so grateful for her and the agency.

She called recently to ask a question that has no easy answer.

A question impossible for me to answer.

If the state were to make an offer, what minimum sentence would you be comfortable with?

My first thought was: Who am I to say?

I've spent so much time inside my head to think of how to respond.

But I've come up with nothing but these thoughts:

What options are left to consider?

The worst outcome has already come to pass.

No length of sentence will bring Josh back.

The balance cannot be made even. 

So what remains on the scale to weigh?

I do not have anger in my heart. 

By the grace of God and passing time,

I've been able to find some rest.

I am hurt... but I'm not bitter. 

I know this man has a family. 

They must be deeply hurting as well. 

I want the guilty party to be punished...

But his children do not deserve to be. 

I cannot speak for the rest of my family

but I keep coming back to these final thoughts:

A lengthy prison sentence means nothing to me...
especially if it's handed down to someone who maintains their innocence
after being found guilty.

I'd rather see a lesser sentence,
as long as it carried with it an acceptance of responsibility taken
for what happened to Josh.

My brother was stabbed four times.

It is an indisputable fact that he was killed at the hands of another person.

Someone is responsible for this violent crime.

I don't want to hear a cover up story.

I simply want that person to admit they made a horrible mistake...

So I can begin the process of forgiving them. 

Shining in the Darkness

After my brother Josh was killed, there were many reasons why I felt the need to take a break from social media. One being that I simply had nothing to share with anyone but my own sorrow. I thought it would be wrong to fill your news-feed with the devastation I was feeling on a daily basis. And even though I truly appreciated everyone's condolences, I just didn't want to be "that sad girl" who everyone felt the need to say sorry to.

Another reason was because I could feel myself growing bitter as I'd scroll through all the status updates. One might think that a wounded spirit would be uplifted by the feed of random thoughts and the steady stream of smiling faces in pictures. But for me, instead of these things being a mindless distraction, they only made me feel more and more alone. It tortured me to see everyone happily carrying on with their lives when mine had just come to a sudden halt.

Now that I have taken some time to privately grieve and reflect, I've realized that by choosing to journey through this season of grief in my self-induced isolation, I am nothing but an obstacle in the way of an opportunity for God to show Himself to others. That might sound strange to some...but I suddenly had this revelation that He actually wants others to see how I've been processing this tragedy and to have a chance to hear of how He has been with me every step of the way.

I've always been very vocal about my faith and my posts on facebook are no exception to that. It's no secret that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ (at least that's what I hope). When great things are happening in my life and I can see Him working, I share it with anyone who will listen because it is a testament of His love for us. I want people to see Him at work through my life.

But I realized recently that it is just as important to show others how His grace and mercy are abundant in our lives even when tragedy strikes. Evidence of Him being alive in me should be shining through every part of me... whether I am on top of a mountain or if I am walking through the fire. If one of His children continues to walk in faith and love while they are celebrating victories AND when they are struggling through hardships...I believe that He can speak to someone who might be watching and maybe even turn their heart to Him in the process.

So I've decided that if I really want my life to be proof of His love, instead of closing myself off and suffering in silence, I need to be brightly shining...even in the darkness.

Expect more to come.....

Ramblings of Grief from a Broken Heart

I buried my big brother yesterday.
We actually placed him in a box and put him in the ground.
My tone is not intended to be insensitive there.
I am just still in a state of complete disbelief that any of this has happened.
And it's simply the cold hard truth of my reality. 

It's the kind of thing you hear on the news
that only happens to someone else.
You say "oh how terribly sad for them".
And you cannot imagine what they're going through.

But right now...

I AM the news.
This is MY family. 
And I still feel like I'm watching myself
experience this from the outside looking in.

Exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions this week.

Josh was murdered.
Shock

My brother is dead.
Sorrow

Someone took his life.
Anger

He's never coming back. 
Pain

I've never arranged a funeral before.
It's not something that anyone can be prepared for.
There are so many little details
But none of them are small.

What would he want?
Which casket would he choose?
What would he want to wear?
What do I say at the funeral?

With each task and every decision
I just wanted to get it right.

Through the generosity of friends, family and even strangers
we were able to provide Josh with a service
I was proud to offer him.
Honest and true to who he was.

But it doesn't end here.
Closure cannot be found in a case like this.
At least not until the man who took Josh's life is sentenced.
This is a murder investigation. 

This process takes time.
The pain of losing him is made fresh again
with every news article printed
and with every conversation I have with officials working on the case.

I love my husband and my children.
But it's been hard to be back at home.
I desperately want to be back to doing our same old routines. 
But something feels different inside.

Every minute of my day is consumed with Josh.
Even as I half-heartedly play with my children,
I am fighting back tears.
Obsessing over all the unanswered questions about that night.

I can't get it out of my head. 

If I continue to just live my life as I did before...
I have to accept that he's really gone.
And this is where I struggle.
 
I can't just let it go. 
I don't want to forget.
I am terrified of moving on.

A JOYFUL NOISE INDEED

There is a Christian Music Festival taking place this weekend called "Joyful Noise Family Fest", which features artists Willow and I always listen to. She knows all the words to these songs and it’s so cool to hear her singing worship music on a daily basis. She heard the festival advertised and begged to go. Tickets were something I could not fit in my budget though so we were both saddened by that.

Our local Christian radio station was giving away tickets. You had to hear the song of the day and be the first caller. I listened all day, everyday to try and win. Seriously, I was a freak about it...running to and from the car so I wouldn’t miss the chance.  Willow and I both prayed and prayed that we would get tickets to go. I tried to teach her that by faith, God would give us the desires of our heart. We just had to believe that the tickets would come to us. I spoke the words of my expectation and pleaded with God. These tickets would come to us somehow!

We ended up not winning. :( She was so disappointed and so was I. I had really wanted to use this opportunity to show her that God heard her prayers and have it really boost her own faith in Him. Even though there were no more giveaways and the tickets had SOLD OUT, I did not fully give up hope. I kept searching craigslist, hoping that someone would be selling some at a discount etc….

So the concert is THIS Saturday and as of Wednesday, I still did not have tickets. I showed up to work that morning and got an email from a co-worker. This is someone I have never talked with about God...never had a conversation with Him about the concert or my search for tickets. He randomly wrote to let me know that his family had tickets for Saturday that they were unable to use and offered them to me for FREE!!

I am literally BURSTING with joy!! So excited to tell Willow and have her see that God DID hear her heart and used a “stranger” to bless us with the opportunity to go to this amazing, spirit filled event!!! GOD IS SO COOL and HE DOES HEAR US!!! Stay connected to Him and KEEP YOUR FAITH!! He works in ways that we can never imagine! BELIEVE IT!!