Shining in the Darkness

After my brother Josh was killed, there were many reasons why I felt the need to take a break from social media. One being that I simply had nothing to share with anyone but my own sorrow. I thought it would be wrong to fill your news-feed with the devastation I was feeling on a daily basis. And even though I truly appreciated everyone's condolences, I just didn't want to be "that sad girl" who everyone felt the need to say sorry to.

Another reason was because I could feel myself growing bitter as I'd scroll through all the status updates. One might think that a wounded spirit would be uplifted by the feed of random thoughts and the steady stream of smiling faces in pictures. But for me, instead of these things being a mindless distraction, they only made me feel more and more alone. It tortured me to see everyone happily carrying on with their lives when mine had just come to a sudden halt.

Now that I have taken some time to privately grieve and reflect, I've realized that by choosing to journey through this season of grief in my self-induced isolation, I am nothing but an obstacle in the way of an opportunity for God to show Himself to others. That might sound strange to some...but I suddenly had this revelation that He actually wants others to see how I've been processing this tragedy and to have a chance to hear of how He has been with me every step of the way.

I've always been very vocal about my faith and my posts on facebook are no exception to that. It's no secret that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ (at least that's what I hope). When great things are happening in my life and I can see Him working, I share it with anyone who will listen because it is a testament of His love for us. I want people to see Him at work through my life.

But I realized recently that it is just as important to show others how His grace and mercy are abundant in our lives even when tragedy strikes. Evidence of Him being alive in me should be shining through every part of me... whether I am on top of a mountain or if I am walking through the fire. If one of His children continues to walk in faith and love while they are celebrating victories AND when they are struggling through hardships...I believe that He can speak to someone who might be watching and maybe even turn their heart to Him in the process.

So I've decided that if I really want my life to be proof of His love, instead of closing myself off and suffering in silence, I need to be brightly shining...even in the darkness.

Expect more to come.....

Ramblings of Grief from a Broken Heart

I buried my big brother yesterday.
We actually placed him in a box and put him in the ground.
My tone is not intended to be insensitive there.
I am just still in a state of complete disbelief that any of this has happened.
And it's simply the cold hard truth of my reality. 

It's the kind of thing you hear on the news
that only happens to someone else.
You say "oh how terribly sad for them".
And you cannot imagine what they're going through.

But right now...

I AM the news.
This is MY family. 
And I still feel like I'm watching myself
experience this from the outside looking in.

Exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions this week.

Josh was murdered.
Shock

My brother is dead.
Sorrow

Someone took his life.
Anger

He's never coming back. 
Pain

I've never arranged a funeral before.
It's not something that anyone can be prepared for.
There are so many little details
But none of them are small.

What would he want?
Which casket would he choose?
What would he want to wear?
What do I say at the funeral?

With each task and every decision
I just wanted to get it right.

Through the generosity of friends, family and even strangers
we were able to provide Josh with a service
I was proud to offer him.
Honest and true to who he was.

But it doesn't end here.
Closure cannot be found in a case like this.
At least not until the man who took Josh's life is sentenced.
This is a murder investigation. 

This process takes time.
The pain of losing him is made fresh again
with every news article printed
and with every conversation I have with officials working on the case.

I love my husband and my children.
But it's been hard to be back at home.
I desperately want to be back to doing our same old routines. 
But something feels different inside.

Every minute of my day is consumed with Josh.
Even as I half-heartedly play with my children,
I am fighting back tears.
Obsessing over all the unanswered questions about that night.

I can't get it out of my head. 

If I continue to just live my life as I did before...
I have to accept that he's really gone.
And this is where I struggle.
 
I can't just let it go. 
I don't want to forget.
I am terrified of moving on.

A JOYFUL NOISE INDEED

There is a Christian Music Festival taking place this weekend called "Joyful Noise Family Fest", which features artists Willow and I always listen to. She knows all the words to these songs and it’s so cool to hear her singing worship music on a daily basis. She heard the festival advertised and begged to go. Tickets were something I could not fit in my budget though so we were both saddened by that.

Our local Christian radio station was giving away tickets. You had to hear the song of the day and be the first caller. I listened all day, everyday to try and win. Seriously, I was a freak about it...running to and from the car so I wouldn’t miss the chance.  Willow and I both prayed and prayed that we would get tickets to go. I tried to teach her that by faith, God would give us the desires of our heart. We just had to believe that the tickets would come to us. I spoke the words of my expectation and pleaded with God. These tickets would come to us somehow!

We ended up not winning. :( She was so disappointed and so was I. I had really wanted to use this opportunity to show her that God heard her prayers and have it really boost her own faith in Him. Even though there were no more giveaways and the tickets had SOLD OUT, I did not fully give up hope. I kept searching craigslist, hoping that someone would be selling some at a discount etc….

So the concert is THIS Saturday and as of Wednesday, I still did not have tickets. I showed up to work that morning and got an email from a co-worker. This is someone I have never talked with about God...never had a conversation with Him about the concert or my search for tickets. He randomly wrote to let me know that his family had tickets for Saturday that they were unable to use and offered them to me for FREE!!

I am literally BURSTING with joy!! So excited to tell Willow and have her see that God DID hear her heart and used a “stranger” to bless us with the opportunity to go to this amazing, spirit filled event!!! GOD IS SO COOL and HE DOES HEAR US!!! Stay connected to Him and KEEP YOUR FAITH!! He works in ways that we can never imagine! BELIEVE IT!!

Parenthood: The Unspoken Details

I’ve been pondering the question of: what advice and/or feedback would be my best offering to a good friend who is expecting his first baby. I realize that the common gesture is to share insight to the sunshiny, rainbow filled world that is parenthood. But after much thought, I’ve determined that the less commonly shared, “you’re going to lose your mind” -type insights may provide him with much more realistic expectations of what life will be like after baby.

Though nothing can really prepare a person for parenthood, we veteran moms and dads like to think we’re assisting first time parents in the process, by painting for them a heartwarming picture of what lies ahead. We share with them our most treasured memories and omit the moments that made us want to hide in the closet. Anything they read will likely focus more on the warm brown sugar coated aspects of parenting while excluding the chaotic and stress-filled confessions of real moms and dads. My conclusion is that a first time parent really doesn’t get a fair picture of what to expect. Am I right?

Since it would be traumatizing to offer such "advice", I’ve settled for simply writing down a short (and not by any means comprehensive) list of the things I think a new parent should be mentally preparing themselves for. These are circumstances that I am certain 98% of parents share; yet the details never seem to make the list of things we discuss with each other. I am sure you can agree that some of the most significant adjustments we end up having to make in our everyday routines are in the unspoken details, so shouldn’t we just tell them like it is? If nothing else...maybe it can at least bring a sense of unity to us parents who are currently screaming into pillows… living the dream!

But before you read any further, you should know that I do love being a mother. No happiness in the world can compare to the joy that comes with having a child. Motherhood brings meaning to my life. But we’d all be lying if we claimed to never experience the mentally exhausting and overwhelming madness that comes with the package as well.

And if I’m the only one riding this train, well…just do your best not to judge. :) 

Privacy, Personal Space & Good Hygiene will be but a Distant Memory  

If you’re the kind of person who: dislikes being touched,

 enjoys being clean/sanitary,

and considers using the restroom to be a solo mission...

saying good-bye to that person now will save yourself the headache later.

·      Every inch of your body will be examined, poked and prodded. Not just on occasion but nearly every minute of the day, indefinitely. Pinching, pulling and biting are a few more perks to look forward to as well.  

·      You will daily come in contact with bodily fluids you never wanted close to your own skin. It sounds horrifying now but you’ll be surprised how fast the gag reflex dissipates. You may even find yourself willingly taking the snotty mess your toddler offers you on the end of his finger and disposing of it without even cringing. Just try not to become so oblivious that you show up for work with mystery goo on your shirt (more than once). 

Trust me when I say it happens!

·      Bathing is no longer a relaxing moment to yourself. To avoid leaving the tot(s) unsupervised for too long, your shower time has been reduced to just a quick rinse. There’s no time to waste finding a decent temperature, so you suffer through one of two settings: mind numbing freeze or skin melting lava. And you’ll probably spend half the time with your head outside the curtain to assure (and RE-assure) yourself that you don’t actually hear an emergency taking place in the next room.

Spontaneity Is The Enemy

Last minute trips, outings or plans of any kind are no longer an option. 

If you’re thinking that you could possibly be an exception to this rule, go ahead and test your skills. 

It only takes one horrifying, public disaster to learn that the days of “get up and go” are gone. What used to be a simple trip to the supermarket is now an entire afternoon endeavor. 

To leave the house for any reason requires strategic planning. 

·      Your success rests mainly on understanding that you should NEVER go out during naptime. Everything you do will need to be planned around those precious hour(s) of the little one’s daytime sleep routine.

·      Ditch the purse and get a backpack. You’ll need at least two extra outfits per baby and more diapers than you know what to do with. After you clean up the first diaper explosion in the bathroom at Target, never assume you’re in the clear. Chances are high that there will be another blowout in the car on the way home.

·      Save room in that oversized tote for enough snacks to sustain the life of a small animal through the winter. You’ll need them to offer the little one in exchange for good behavior. Then you’ll need some for yourself to shamefully attempt to eat away the guilt you feel for resorting to bribery of a child. 

Learn to Overlook the Mess

What once may have been a clean, organized and stylish dwelling will now be littered with toys, more toys and a variety of other random children’s items. 

Let go of your neat freak tendencies if you have them. 

Everyone will be much happier at the end of the day.   

·      There is no space exempt from bearing evidence of a child’s presence. This includes the walls, which will likely be marked with the little sweetie’s “special” drawings at least once.

·      No matter how hard you try to enforce the “no food in the living room” rule, your carpet will have stains. Do yourself a favor and refrain from purchasing any decent furniture until after the child(ren) reach at least 10 years old. And by then, you’ll be lucky if your sofa doesn’t look like it was just hauled out of a frat house last week.

·      You will drown in hot wheel cars and find headbands in the cat box. Whatever the clutter might be, prepare to clean and re-organize it all at least 27 times a day.

·      IMPORTANT NOTE: a child has a ridiculously sharp memory for toys/random “junk” from long ago, which has now “disappeared” and suddenly it’s their favorite item of all time. Brace yourself for the meltdown.

Try your Best to Remember the Sound of Silence (and use it as your happy place)

Once you have a child, there is not a single moment in which you are not a parent. 

Every minute with them is spent catering to their needs over your own. 

And every minute spent away is consumed with thoughts of them, 

hoping that they have everything they need. 

·      The role of parent carries with it approximately 48 different job titles. 

Here’s a few roles I play on the daily: 

housekeeper

hairdresser

fashion stylist

personal chef

cheerleader

taxi driver

coach

councilor

advocate

tutor

nurse

personal care attendant

waiter

event planner

referee 

and walking Kleenex. 

But hey… on the bright side: my resume has grown to be quite impressive with the addition of all the experience I’ve gained in multiple career fields.

Repeat the above cycle for the remainder of your life. 

Welcome to it!

:) ENJOY!!