I don't know if anyone in here has ever had the unfortunate experience of needing to prepare a victim impact statement...but I hope for your sake that you have not. They actually have an outline for these things; an essay style questionnaire for the victim to fill out.
1. How have you been affected by this crime?
2. Were you physically injured?
3. What thoughts or suggestions do you have regarding punishment?
4. Do you have any additional comments?
That's it.
Four little but loaded questions, intended to assist you in finding the words to say....only they don't actually help any words come at all. There simply are none that can accurately express the weight of this crime. The impact is an indescribable, overwhelming, breath stealing, all consuming sense of emptiness. And it is much too big to fit into a one page outline.
Yes, my family and I have been greatly impacted by Josh's death. He was my big brother. We grew up in this world together. From innocent youth (when we'd throw heaping spoonfuls of corn in each other's faces at the dining room table or hide out under blanket forts with a flashlight so we could play cards until it was well past our bedtime) - To rebellious young adults (when we'd cruse around in his car way past curfew, made a variety of poor choices and found various other ways to break the rules). We learned and discovered, stumbled and fell, laughed until our cheeks hurt, made fun of each other's taste in music and we transitioned into adults....together. Brother and Sister.
Since he was killed, I personally struggle with bouts of suffocating guilt. Sometimes it's simply about the time I let pass by since we grew up. Time that I should have made for him but didn't. Messages he sent to me, to which I never replied. 3 AM phone calls that I chose to silence because of the hour. There are days when I feel too sick to eat because I'm reminded that he cannot. And sometimes it's just guilt that I am simply living...while he's been robbed of the chance. It is a rain cloud that looms even on the sunniest of days.
But how this crime has affected me is not what I feel is important to share here today. The one and only true victim here is Joshua Lyle Neumann. We want everyone here to know that he is more than just another victim of reckless behavior ending in tragedy.
Those who were lucky enough to be close to Josh know that he struggled though some very hard years. He lived with great regret over a past he wanted so much to erase. But he also had very thick skin, a stubborn hard headedness and an intense desire to succeed. He never gave up trying to better himself and he continued fighting for all the things he wanted to achieve. Family meant the world to him and he often talked about how he just wanted us to be proud of him. In more recent times, he really was doing better than ever. I wish so much that we could have had more time...to tell him more often and make sure he knew that we were proud of him. The pain that comes with realizing that we'll never have the chance is nearly unbearable.
Aside from losing him, the part that has been even harder to accept, is the manner in which his life was violently ended. We're here today because the careless actions of one man ended the life of another. Whether his death was caused with or without intent does not change the end result... it still remains the same. Josh is gone. He died alone, probably scared and undoubtedly in pain. No thing can be done and no punishment can erase that. Josh was a dearly loved son, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin and friend. Everything that Josh could have been... he will never get to be.
The last few things I want to say are my own personal feelings and probably not shared by my family or Josh's friends. -- An event like this naturally rouses feelings of anger and hate. However, I strive to live my life as a reflection of my savior Jesus Christ, who is forgiving even in the most horrible circumstances. I pray daily for peace about Josh's death and for the ability to forgive the person responsible. I know that one day, I will. I also pray for the family of the defendant, because they must be deeply hurting as well. And even though it's not easy, I pray for Mr. Peralez...that he not live his life being tormented in darkness... but that he might be rescued and set free by our Redeemer. I want him to be able to hear me say that I do not hate him. I am devastated by his actions and I will never be the same... but Josh was very quick to forgive others. And I know that he would not want my life stolen away by bitterness.
Thank you.
