Victim Impact Statement

I don't know if anyone in here has ever had the unfortunate experience of needing to prepare a victim impact statement...but I hope for your sake that you have not. They actually have an outline for these things; an essay style questionnaire for the victim to fill out.

1. How have you been affected by this crime?

2. Were you physically injured?

3. What thoughts or suggestions do you have regarding punishment?

4. Do you have any additional comments?

That's it.

Four little but loaded questions, intended to assist you in finding the words to say....only they don't actually help any words come at all. There simply are none that can accurately express the weight of this crime. The impact is an indescribable, overwhelming, breath stealing, all consuming sense of emptiness. And it is much too big to fit into a one page outline.

Yes, my family and I have been greatly impacted by Josh's death. He was my big brother. We grew up in this world together. From innocent youth (when we'd throw heaping spoonfuls of corn in each other's faces at the dining room table or hide out under blanket forts with a flashlight so we could play cards until it was well past our bedtime) - To rebellious young adults (when we'd cruse around in his car way past curfew, made a variety of poor choices and found various other ways to break the rules). We learned and discovered, stumbled and fell, laughed until our cheeks hurt, made fun of each other's taste in music and we transitioned into adults....together. Brother and Sister.

Since he was killed, I personally struggle with bouts of suffocating guilt. Sometimes it's simply about the time I let pass by since we grew up. Time that I should have made for him but didn't. Messages he sent to me, to which I never replied. 3 AM phone calls that I chose to silence because of the hour. There are days when I feel too sick to eat because I'm reminded that he cannot. And sometimes it's just guilt that I am simply living...while he's been robbed of the chance. It is a rain cloud that looms even on the sunniest of days.

But how this crime has affected me is not what I feel is important to share here today. The one and only true victim here is Joshua Lyle Neumann. We want everyone here to know that he is more than just another victim of reckless behavior ending in tragedy.

Those who were lucky enough to be close to Josh know that he struggled though some very hard years. He lived with great regret over a past he wanted so much to erase. But he also had very thick skin, a stubborn hard headedness and an intense desire to succeed. He never gave up trying to better himself and he continued fighting for all the things he wanted to achieve. Family meant the world to him and he often talked about how he just wanted us to be proud of him. In more recent times, he really was doing better than ever. I wish so much that we could have had more time...to tell him more often and make sure he knew that we were proud of him. The pain that comes with realizing that we'll never have the chance is nearly unbearable.

Aside from losing him, the part that has been even harder to accept, is the manner in which his life was violently ended. We're here today because the careless actions of one man ended the life of another. Whether his death was caused with or without intent does not change the end result... it still remains the same. Josh is gone. He died alone, probably scared and undoubtedly in pain. No thing can be done and no punishment can erase that. Josh was a dearly loved son, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin and friend. Everything that Josh could have been... he will never get to be.

The last few things I want to say are my own personal feelings and probably not shared by my family or Josh's friends. -- An event like this naturally rouses feelings of anger and hate. However, I strive to live my life as a reflection of my savior Jesus Christ, who is forgiving even in the most horrible circumstances. I pray daily for peace about Josh's death and for the ability to forgive the person responsible. I know that one day, I will. I also pray for the family of the defendant, because they must be deeply hurting as well. And even though it's not easy, I pray for Mr. Peralez...that he not live his life being tormented in darkness... but that he might be rescued and set free by our Redeemer. I want him to be able to hear me say that I do not hate him. I am devastated by his actions and I will never be the same... but Josh was very quick to forgive others. And I know that he would not want my life stolen away by bitterness.

Thank you.

Accepting the Unacceptable

I was attending my son's pre-school graduation when I got the call.

"He's pleading guilty"

A sickening kind of relief poured over me.

"But the murder charges have been reduced to manslaughter"....

"He's pleading guilty to the lesser charge"....

"The maximum penalty is 10 years"...

My relief was replaced by shock and I froze in disbelief.

Excited toddlers and their proud parents filled the room as they enjoyed graduation day festivities.
I was in the corner fighting back tears as I tried to comprehend what I was hearing.

This decision is not something we were expecting.
It is not something we were consulted about.
So to those who have asked if Josh's family was part of making this deal,
The answer is no.

People ask how I feel about the decision...
And I am left without words every time.
I've still not settled on how to feel exactly,
I think, because I am overwhelmed with too many feelings.

Having the opportunity to go to trial abruptly taken away leaves me feeling a little lost.
I certainly was not looking forward to going, but at the same time... I was.
My reasons for that are hard to explain; I don't expect anyone to understand.
And that makes me feel alone.

I feel like I should be really, really mad.
And I do have those moments...
But I am not angry.
And that makes me feel guilty.

I've been asked many times what I would have rather seen happen.
But I truly have no thoughts to give.
I feel like I should have a passionate response.
And I'm afraid I appear indifferent to it all, though I am not.

Mostly, I just feel empty.
And I can't determine where that is coming from.
So that leaves me feeling confused.

I've said from the beginning that I just wanted someone to claim responsibility.
A guilty plea is what I thought I wanted.
But this was a murder.
And I do feel some injustice with the charges being reduced.

But if this had ended in a guilty of murder charge,
with a life sentence attached...
Would I even feel any "better" about it?
I'm not convinced that I would.

Because of my faith, I see this man a little differently than most.
I do not wish horrible things for him.
My Father in Heaven loves him.
So I ask for His eyes to see what He sees.

I am grateful that He made me with a heart that can forgive.

My brother is gone.
Nothing can be done to change that.
So there is no "win" to be had here.

All I can do is pray for the person who is responsible.
And for my own ability to accept the unacceptable.

More Questions Than Answers

For a while, I struggled with whether or not I wanted to attend the court hearing(s) for my brother's murder case. Of course it's not something anyone wants to do. But I found myself feeling like I needed to.

Could I remain composed while sitting in the same room with the man who violently took my own brother's life?

Probably not. 

But I wanted to be sure that Josh was represented in that room. 

He was not just another victim.
He was a real person.

Someone needed to be the face of what was stolen.

A vibrant life.

Would I be able to stomach the gruesome and unimaginable details of his death?

Definitely not.

But the unanswered questions I had about that night were haunting me.
I had an indescribable need to know what happened to him.
Desperate for some closure.
To know how he was hurt.
How he died.

We heard the defendant's story of what happened that night,

shared though testimony of one of the responding officers. 

Silent and cowardly witnesses claim a different set of circumstance. 

We will likely never know the truth. 

The defense attempted to rip apart Josh's character,

claiming he was the aggressor in the altercation. 

As if that was reason enough to justify the suffering he endured.

Even if it were true, there was simply no purpose for his brutal murder. 

The gut wrenching details of Josh's specific injuries were calmly spoken. 

There was no emotion from the court as each wound was described.

But we sat in agony, hearing of them for the first time...

and as we listened, we felt the pain. 

The man accused has pled not guilty. 

They've filed to suppress his self-incriminating statements.

There will be one more hearing where the plea can be changed 

and that will determine if we go to trial. 

Frequent updates come to me from our victim's advocate. 

I am so grateful for her and the agency.

She called recently to ask a question that has no easy answer.

A question impossible for me to answer.

If the state were to make an offer, what minimum sentence would you be comfortable with?

My first thought was: Who am I to say?

I've spent so much time inside my head to think of how to respond.

But I've come up with nothing but these thoughts:

What options are left to consider?

The worst outcome has already come to pass.

No length of sentence will bring Josh back.

The balance cannot be made even. 

So what remains on the scale to weigh?

I do not have anger in my heart. 

By the grace of God and passing time,

I've been able to find some rest.

I am hurt... but I'm not bitter. 

I know this man has a family. 

They must be deeply hurting as well. 

I want the guilty party to be punished...

But his children do not deserve to be. 

I cannot speak for the rest of my family

but I keep coming back to these final thoughts:

A lengthy prison sentence means nothing to me...
especially if it's handed down to someone who maintains their innocence
after being found guilty.

I'd rather see a lesser sentence,
as long as it carried with it an acceptance of responsibility taken
for what happened to Josh.

My brother was stabbed four times.

It is an indisputable fact that he was killed at the hands of another person.

Someone is responsible for this violent crime.

I don't want to hear a cover up story.

I simply want that person to admit they made a horrible mistake...

So I can begin the process of forgiving them.