Dear Josh

It's not fair that you're not here to say Happy Birthday to. 

You are still on my mind nearly every minute of each day. 
And I wish I could say that all my thoughts are of the happy memories I have.
But they are not. And I don't know how to change that. 
Sometimes you used to tell me that you felt like an outsider in the family. 
You'd call me when you were feeling low - looking for some validation. 
I'd say things like "of course you are part of this family" and "we all love you".
Looking back, those words just seem so superficial now. 
I should have offered you so much more in those moments - and I'm sorry. 
At the time, I didn't know what more I could say to convince you.
I didn't know these were my last opportunities to share my heart with you. 
I never imagined that you'd be gone someday soon. 
Or that suddenly there'd be so much left unspoken. 
You've always been and will forever be my family. 
You became my brother when I was only four years old. 
Because we were so little - I don't even remember life before you.
And it hurts to know the rest of it has to be lived without you.   
Every day, I think about the million things I should have told you.
I would tell you that what makes us family is in the memories we share. 

Like how you used to trick me into playing 52 card pick up -
And actually made me believe it was a real game?
Or the nights we camped out in the living room with movies from Little Hollywood -
And you usually got to pick the rental "because you're older". 
As if that made you the boss. 
I remember the food fights at dinner and building snowmen together in the front yard. 
I remember dressing up for Halloween and being super grossed out by your pet rat. 
I remember sunny days out on Dad's boat and that time we were ice fishing and you fell through!
I think about that still, every single time I'm on frozen water. 
It terrifies me to this day. Thank you very much! 
Then there was that brief phase when you were too cool to hang out with me.  
You didn't want to build forts up in your room anymore.
And you thought it was so lame that I was in love with the Backstreet Boys. 
But it's all good because that didn't last for too long.  
And as adults, you wanted to be closer than I ever allowed us to be. 
I'll forever be sorry for that.
Eventually you let me go for rides in your car and "cruise the strip".
And I'll never forget how ridiculously cool I felt in those moments. 
The first time I ever heard rap music was with you - I believe it was Bone Thugs-N-Harmony? 
I still remember being fascinated that you had any idea what those guys were saying.
But you rapped right along with them - never missing a beat.
And you officially became the coolest guy I knew. 
Actually...thanks to YOU, I can still "rap" every word to Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise"! 
Seriously, you'd be impressed!

I should have shared my recollection of those years with you so you'd have known how special those memories are to me.... So you would know how special YOU were to me. 
You loved us hard until the end, brother. And I am reminded of that in so many little things that pop up in my head (or in my facebook feed). I hope you are resting, knowing how loved you were too. 

I miss you. And love you more than you knew. 

Until we meet again...

Sleep in peace, sweet brother. 

It's not fair that you're not here to say Happy Birthday to.