I was attending my son's pre-school graduation when I got the call.
"He's pleading guilty"
A sickening kind of relief poured over me.
"But the murder charges have been reduced to manslaughter"....
"He's pleading guilty to the lesser charge"....
"The maximum penalty is 10 years"...
Excited toddlers and their proud parents filled the room as they enjoyed graduation day festivities.
I was in the corner fighting back tears as I tried to comprehend what I was hearing.
This decision is not something we were expecting.
It is not something we were consulted about.
So to those who have asked if Josh's family was part of making this deal,
The answer is no.
People ask how I feel about the decision...
And I am left without words every time.
I've still not settled on how to feel exactly,
I think, because I am overwhelmed with too many feelings.
Having the opportunity to go to trial abruptly taken away leaves me feeling a little lost.
I certainly was not looking forward to going, but at the same time... I was.
My reasons for that are hard to explain; I don't expect anyone to understand.
And that makes me feel alone.
I feel like I should be really, really mad.
And I do have those moments...
But I am not angry.
And that makes me feel guilty.
I've been asked many times what I would have rather seen happen.
But I truly have no thoughts to give.
I feel like I should have a passionate response.
And I'm afraid I appear indifferent to it all, though I am not.
Mostly, I just feel empty.
And I can't determine where that is coming from.
So that leaves me feeling confused.
I've said from the beginning that I just wanted someone to claim responsibility.
A guilty plea is what I thought I wanted.
But this was a murder.
And I do feel some injustice with the charges being reduced.
But if this had ended in a guilty of murder charge,
with a life sentence attached...
Would I even feel any "better" about it?
I'm not convinced that I would.
Because of my faith, I see this man a little differently than most.
I do not wish horrible things for him.
My Father in Heaven loves him.
So I ask for His eyes to see what He sees.
I am grateful that He made me with a heart that can forgive.
My brother is gone.
Nothing can be done to change that.
So there is no "win" to be had here.
All I can do is pray for the person who is responsible.
And for my own ability to accept the unacceptable.
