Ramblings of Grief from a Broken Heart

I buried my big brother yesterday.
We actually placed him in a box and put him in the ground.
My tone is not intended to be insensitive there.
I am just still in a state of complete disbelief that any of this has happened.
And it's simply the cold hard truth of my reality. 

It's the kind of thing you hear on the news
that only happens to someone else.
You say "oh how terribly sad for them".
And you cannot imagine what they're going through.

But right now...

I AM the news.
This is MY family. 
And I still feel like I'm watching myself
experience this from the outside looking in.

Exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions this week.

Josh was murdered.
Shock

My brother is dead.
Sorrow

Someone took his life.
Anger

He's never coming back. 
Pain

I've never arranged a funeral before.
It's not something that anyone can be prepared for.
There are so many little details
But none of them are small.

What would he want?
Which casket would he choose?
What would he want to wear?
What do I say at the funeral?

With each task and every decision
I just wanted to get it right.

Through the generosity of friends, family and even strangers
we were able to provide Josh with a service
I was proud to offer him.
Honest and true to who he was.

But it doesn't end here.
Closure cannot be found in a case like this.
At least not until the man who took Josh's life is sentenced.
This is a murder investigation. 

This process takes time.
The pain of losing him is made fresh again
with every news article printed
and with every conversation I have with officials working on the case.

I love my husband and my children.
But it's been hard to be back at home.
I desperately want to be back to doing our same old routines. 
But something feels different inside.

Every minute of my day is consumed with Josh.
Even as I half-heartedly play with my children,
I am fighting back tears.
Obsessing over all the unanswered questions about that night.

I can't get it out of my head. 

If I continue to just live my life as I did before...
I have to accept that he's really gone.
And this is where I struggle.
 
I can't just let it go. 
I don't want to forget.
I am terrified of moving on.