I was attending my son's pre-school graduation when I got the call.
"He's pleading guilty"
A sickening kind of relief poured over me.
"But the murder charges have been reduced to manslaughter"....
"He's pleading guilty to the lesser charge"....
"The maximum penalty is 10 years"...
Excited toddlers and their proud parents filled the room as they enjoyed graduation day festivities.
I was in the corner fighting back tears as I tried to comprehend what I was hearing.
This decision is not something we were expecting.
It is not something we were consulted about.
So to those who have asked if Josh's family was part of making this deal,
The answer is no.
People ask how I feel about the decision...
And I am left without words every time.
I've still not settled on how to feel exactly,
I think, because I am overwhelmed with too many feelings.
Having the opportunity to go to trial abruptly taken away leaves me feeling a little lost.
I certainly was not looking forward to going, but at the same time... I was.
My reasons for that are hard to explain; I don't expect anyone to understand.
And that makes me feel alone.
I feel like I should be really, really mad.
And I do have those moments...
But I am not angry.
And that makes me feel guilty.
I've been asked many times what I would have rather seen happen.
But I truly have no thoughts to give.
I feel like I should have a passionate response.
And I'm afraid I appear indifferent to it all, though I am not.
Mostly, I just feel empty.
And I can't determine where that is coming from.
So that leaves me feeling confused.
I've said from the beginning that I just wanted someone to claim responsibility.
A guilty plea is what I thought I wanted.
But this was a murder.
And I do feel some injustice with the charges being reduced.
But if this had ended in a guilty of murder charge,
with a life sentence attached...
Would I even feel any "better" about it?
I'm not convinced that I would.
Because of my faith, I see this man a little differently than most.
I do not wish horrible things for him.
My Father in Heaven loves him.
So I ask for His eyes to see what He sees.
I am grateful that He made me with a heart that can forgive.
My brother is gone.
Nothing can be done to change that.
So there is no "win" to be had here.
All I can do is pray for the person who is responsible.
And for my own ability to accept the unacceptable.
So, here it is, 3 am, and I'm thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I haven't been able to find the right things to say, because I care so much and want to say the right thing.
Here it goes.
It's not fair. It's just not fair at all. It's not fair that he's gone, and despite however the court case turns out that he's gone and nothing can change that. It breaks my heart for you.
Here's what else I know.
You are the kindest, sweetest, most gentle person I know. The strength you have in your faith and ability to forgive is amazing. When you do start to forgive, remember that it's okay to forgive for yourself. He can have that forgiveness and hopefully the opportunity to see how he's just others and want to change and give back in God's name, but the forgiveness can be for you, not him.
It's okay to grieve. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not just be better the next day. It can come in baby steps. It's okay to not feel the closure others will expect you to feel. You are surrounded by so much love and support and we will all help you, listen, and walk with you. Jesus will walk with you too, baby steps.
I'm here, call me anytime, even just to vent.